[Subtitles by danielsangeo]
No, I really am going to have to
go back and kill them, aren't I?
Y'know, I don't want to
have to do this, but...
Okay, let's be fair. If I'm going
to be judge, jury, and executioner,
I can at least listen to the jury.
Is there ANY conceivable way out of here?
I'm not even seeing a ladder.
I could climb up out of
here and leave the boat,
but they didn't say anything about that.
He was talking like it's right
around the corner--it's not!
Okay, I'll be generous. I am SO generous.
Okay, that's one lap--I'm
going to go kill them.
But let's assume they DIDN'T know
this was a kill box with multiple
rocket launchers ready for me.
Then why else would they send me here?
Just to watch me do laps in a dead
end, and have a laugh about it?
No. They're dead. I'm going to go kill them.
I have no leads, no information...
and, apparently, no allies.
So let's stop pretending.
Yeah, there we go. There we go.
That's not happening again. Ever.
I still wish I had how much ammo this has.
[distant gunfire]
Dammit.
[distant gunfire]
They're still there...
All right, y'know what? This can wait.
It doesn't REALLY matter if I
kill them today or do it tomorrow.
This might be one of those
work-smarter-not-harder situations.
Although th--oof--this kind
of illustrates the point.
I didn't kill THOSE cops and here
they are still giving me trouble.
I need to be able to
kill people with my mind.
Black Mesa was working on that,
but they didn't get very far.
The equipment was really bulky;
it used a ridiculous amount of power;
and even then, the most they were
able to do was kill a small dog.
It just wasn't panning out.
Y'know, if we had better battery power
that would open up a lot of doors.
So am I spending the night up there, or...?
Oh wait, is that a passageway?
Well, I'm not getting the boat up there.
Time to solve this the way
I seem to solve everything.
Okay, that's okay. I can work with this.
Even though I'm still using
the wrong tool for the job.
They never should have given me a boat.
This is just a joke that won't end.
Look at how amazing I am!
I out-engineered a problem that wouldn't
exist if I wasn't in a fucking boat!
Yeah, it's closed. Of course it is.
Has there been one situation today
where I wouldn't have been
better served by a quad bike?
That's probably why I got
the boat: Nobody wants it.
I'm like a kid that can't
accept that winter's over,
so I'm taking a sled down a muddy embankment
that has a tiny patch of snow left.
But that's been my boating experience.
Just a fish flopping around in a puddle.
With people shooting at me.
Because I'm a floppy fish.
Y'know, I've lowered my expectations
of how the world is going to recognize
my genius since I've come back.
So if, on my tombstone, all it says is
'He was a dead, floppy fish', I'll understand.
Eh, I'm fooling myself.
They won't bury me.
[alarms sound]
They'll just--
Why are--oof! Why are there sirens?
FUCK YOU! YOU'RE ON FIRE!
GAAAH! OH NO NO NO NO NO!
NO NO! I ALMOST HAVE HIM!
OH MY GOD! RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!
OH! I'M GONNA EAT YOU! I'M GONNA
EAT YOUR WHOLE FUCKING CHOPPER!
I DON'T CARE IF IT'S BAD FOR MY TEETH!
BUT I'M GONNA GET BEHIND THIS ROCK FIRST,
[alarms sound]
because being shot is the worst w--
[multiple explosions]
How many of...
[multiple explosions]
No, no...! Come on!
[multiple explosions]
I'm a physicist! This isn't possible!
[multiple explosions]
This is just basic mass conservation!
[machine gun fire]
GAAAAH! NO! STOP! FIRING!
YOU SHOT AT ME FIFTY TIMES BEFORE THIS!
SO I SHOULD GET TO SHOOT YOU FIFTY
TIMES BEFORE YOU GET TO SHOOT BACK!
I REALIZE YOU DON'T HAVE ANY
MORE MINES, BUT JUST STOP SHOOT--
[multiple explosions]
Wait, you DO have more mines?
[multiple explosions]
What...?
[multiple explosions]
This is like a magic trick.
[multiple explosions]
This guy wanted to be a magician
[multiple explosions]
but he became a fighter pilot.
[multiple explosions]
It's a good act.
[multiple explosions]
I'm going to be thinking about this.
[multiple explosions]
A LITTLE LOUD, THOUGH!
[machine gun fire]
Oh, not the gun! Not that!
[machine gun fire]
Nobody wants that!
[machine gun fire]
See, this is why
[machine gun fire]
you couldn't hack it on stage,
[machine gun fire]
because of shit like this.
Yeah, try to escape THIS, Houdini.
We make good choppers in the future!
YEAH, GET IN CLOSE! LET'S DO THIS!
WHOA! YOU ALMOST DROPPED THAT IN MY LAP!
THAT'S PRETTY GOOD! YOU
KNOW HOW TO PUT ON A SHOW!
Just fucking die already.
Oh! This was SO not worth it.
Well, it's that time again.
Confirmation kill time.
My God, you've given me more trouble...
I think, than anyone! That's amazing!
Okay, if he comes out wearing a top hat...
Well, I'm still going to kill
him. There's no other option.
But I'll give him some
last words. I can do that.
And now, for my next trick:
Blam! Then I shoot him?
That would be a nice end to the day.
Okay, seriously. I'm not
seeing any entry point.
It looks too small to hold someone.
I mean, there's a body over there,
but wasn't that from earlier?
I thought I saw something,
but I was distracted.
Oh... This isn't what I want to see...
I think this means it's controlled remotely.
But then why did the body fall out?
It kept flying and shooting after
that, so it wasn't even needed.
Is this a union thing? Like union law says
there must be one employee present
in all remote-controlled helicopters?
We're conquered by aliens, but
the police still have unions?
Well, that's fucking humanity for you.
Is this another dead end?
I really am going to have to
go back and kill them later.
They sent me on a giant snipe
hunt. That's all this is.
If I get out of here, all that's going to
happen is I'll meet another one saying,
"Oh, you're almost there. Just keep
going." I'll be at this for days.
[straining]
This seems to be--
[straining]
...seems to go somewhere.
[straining]
Why...do I have...to do...
[straining]
...absolutely fucking everything?
Y'know, if I go back, should I
just shoot them all immediately?
That seems kind of wasteful.
I bet if I shot one of them,
they would start talking.
I could even do that thing
where I look at one person,
then shoot someone else
with my peripheral vision,
but I don't even turn my head;
I just keep staring at them.
They seem soft. I think they'd break.
But the real question is what
was going on with those mines?
I mean, let's start with the obvious:
It was impossible to fit that many
mines that size inside the chopper.
So I'm only seeing two
possibilities for what happened,
and they're both a little
too crazy for my liking.
I don't like it when people out-crazy me.
Dammit, is this another dead end?
I am the king of dead ends today.
Well, I am taking a boat on an empty river.
It's like that saying: Up
shit creek without a paddle.
I'm up shit creek without a creek.
Oop! That ramp looks almost doable.
I'm out of water, the boat
still exists, and so does land.
And once again, there's
no one here to film this.
The world doesn't know what
it's losing from this invasion.
Okay! This officially makes me an amphibian.
The ground's not too rough.
I should've done this earlier.
Yeah, see, this is more my speed.
Yeah, if I'm going to have enemies,
I like them running around confused,
me not having to aim so much.
I still could use a beer holder,
and more importantly, a beer.
But I feel like we're making progress.
Yeah, I can make my own beer
holder if that's the problem.
I just need to find some wire.
Oh no way! It's the spook!
Is he waving? Did he wave at me?
Okay, well--WHOA! Well, he's right there.
Is he really going to pull this
cat-and-mouse bullshit on me again?
I kind of feel like he might, but it's
not like I have other places to be.
Yeah, scraping the pavement with the
boat--this is the definition of subtle.
I might be making sparks.
Oh my God. He did it again, didn't he?
It's even enough for him to watch;
he has to make sure I see him.
I mean, what, did he do some urban
climbing in his suit and briefcase?
I don't think so! He just
teleported out again!
Y'know, wherever I end up sleeping, the
first thing I'm going to see when I wake up
is his face outside a window
staring at me. I'd bet anything.
You know what disturbs me the most is
I had a clean shot. I could've gone for it.
I wasn't even thinking about
that earlier, now I am.
But he KNEW that. He must
have, and he didn't care.
This guy's not an idiot. He's ready
for me to turn the guns on him.
But I don't know how, which
is really pissing me off.
But I know that he knows, and he knows
that I know, and the more we get together,
the more I want to kill him.
Yep, this is end of the line.
This whole thing was a setup.
They never expected me to get this far.
Well, except for the spook.
Oh. That's not as bad as I was expecting.
No, it doesn't. The water's too low.
I mean there's no way I
would jump off a fucking dam,
but I guess I could've sent the
boat over and hope it'd survive.
Yeah, my damn memories aren't very good.
Last damn time was pretty awful, too.
Damn, now everyone's going to think
I'm an asshole if I talk about this,
because this is literally
the SECOND time I've been attacked
by a helicopter over a dam.
No one's going to believe that.
They'll think I'm making this damn
thing up to sound cool. Dammit.
Well, I'm abandoning the boat, again.
Though the issue is I'm abandoning that gun.
How much ammo did it have?
Okay, okay, the real question is the mines,
No, I don't want to eat that.
What's in here? Something?
Why would they put the empty
bottles back in the refrigerator?!
That's just--UGH! AGH! OH MY GOD!
THAT'S WORSE THAN THAT BODY FROM EARLIER!
DON'T GO IN THE KITCHEN! JESUS!
What was I thinking about?
So option 1 is, the mines are just paper
thin shells that they keep folded up,
then they're filled with some
explosive gas just before deploying.
So it's like bunch of balloons
and a canister of helium.
It's a party clown military. That's crazy.
And if they're going to do that, why not
just blast music while they're at it,
like in "Apocalypse Now"?
Eh, maybe they were worried the targets
would dance too much and be harder to hit.
The only other possibility I'm seeing
is they have teleporters so refined,
they just teleport in the mines on demand
through some mechanism in the chopper.
And that raises so many more questions.
Oh. I must have dropped this.
So if they're actually teleporting in the
mines, that would explain some things.
Like that gun they handed me.
I honestly thought I would've
run out of ammo by now.
The thing is, maybe I did!
Maybe it wasn't overheating
but was out of ammo,
so I had to wait on somebody in a warehouse
somewhere to load more into the teleporter.
Like that armory scene in "The Matrix",
except it's full of guys loading
munitions into teleporters all day.
Now I have to assume they
need some sort of receiver,
because otherwise, why not just
teleport a bullet into my head?
But if they can do that, that has
so much potential not being used.
Shit, the sewer's talking again.
DISTANT VOICE: You leap, you
fall, we see you flash between...
VOICE: Communion of the vortessence.
VOICE: And that other: a deeper mystery.
VOICE: No deeper than the void itself.
VOICE: We have endured these chafing
bonds for eons, yet a single moment...
No... I found it's best to decline
invitations from sewer people.
I WOULD like to find shelter
before it gets dark, though,
some place that's not going to get
stormed by backup troopers in 20 minutes.
Okay, someone's been here.
What is this? Is this a test?
Oh no... This has got to
be the rebel base, right?
This is what they were sending me towards?
Some shanty town, but with lights?
It looks deserted; they must've
been raided before I got here.
I'm not surprised. They're probably
being interrogated right now.
Well, I'm definitely not
sleeping here tonight!
Yeah, I'm not seeing any bodies. They
must've just come in and grabbed them.
But, okay, if they can teleport in ammo,
why didn't they just drop
one serious bomb on me,
something I couldn't run away from,
rather than 200 large cherry bombs?
Y'know, they're more advanced than
us, but I'm not sure they're smarter.
Because that helicopter armor was unreal,
but as soon as I had one of their
guns, it was an even fight again.
It's an arms race just to stay in place.
Like Magic: The Gathering.
If you go back in time and conquer
cavemen with a fighter jet,
it doesn't matter how smart the cavemen
are, you still have a fighter jet.
Hup-hup-HUP! There we go.
Well, the aliens sure killed off a lot
of people who knew what they're doing.
Oh shit. So maybe they're
smarter than I realized.
Because maybe they killed
off everyone competent,
then the people who were left came
up with the inflatable mines idea.
Y'know, it sure is peaceful
since I left the boat.
They put a tracker on it for sure.
This would almost be nice if I hadn't
seen Cleveland levels of water pollution.
My face HAS been feeling a
little itchy since I fell in.
Oh, more wavelength graffiti, huh?
I really am going to need a food
and water plan at some point, huh?
I sort of forgot about
that. I've been distracted.
Y'know, I'm thinking back to high school,
where the counselor asked you to think
about your future and what your plans are.
If I knew then what I know now,
I would've just held up two middle fingers
and kept them there. Hang 'em high.
I should've listened to Eddie
about joining that militia.
I mean, he wasn't wrong, he was
just way too soon was the problem.
God. No one's trying to
shoot me. I'm almost shaking.
The chopper messed up something in
my head; I can't take more of that.
I should get away from the river.
This has all been a setup anyway, so
it kind of doesn't matter where I go.
When you don't know anything,
all options are equally good.
Maybe I could go to one of
those buildings in the distance
and jump someone who looks
like me and swap clothes.
Now would be--Oh shit. Radiation.
Well... My Geiger counter isn't ticking.
I'll just go in and take a peek.
If it looks dicey, then...
FEMALE VOICE: I've got something.
They got me! This isn't happening!
FEMALE VOICE: Okay, it's human.
FEMALE VOICE: Take it easy
in there. You're safe now.
Oh my God! They're gassing me!
FEMALE VOICE: ...the scanning process.
[gagging]
FEMALE VOICE: We can't take any chances.